Encouragement from the Beaver.
Happy new year, dear ones!
I would have loved the first blog of the year to be about new visions, big goals, new-year resolutions, new starts and excitements.
Instead it is about redirecting the energy of sadness, anger, disbelief, despair, guilt loneliness and grief.
For our family, the new year started with the death of a family member. On the fourth of January, I had to decide to let our oldest dog go. He was 14 years old, still young at heart and strong in body. But he had cancer in his mouth. He was suffering. We were suffering with him. We thought we would all be delivered from the suffering by letting him go. But we were not prepared for the tsunami of emotions that was to flood our home over the next days.
Four days have been spent in bottomless pain, tossing and turning at the bottom of a dark and lonely hole. I announced his death on social media before letting myself go. Before I gave myself over to grief.
Nothing could console me. Nothing. Really nothing. I did not answer my phone, open emails or answer messages. I did not answer anything. Booked readings are still on hold. Hubby answered the doorbell. I did not go out to greet well-meaning visitors, flowers in hand, offering their condolences.
A steady stream of comforting messages, “likes” and different colored hearts on Facebook and Instagram didn't help. Or, rather, I didn’t let them help. I numbed by scrolling but there was no space in my heart for them. The love behind the comments warmed for brief, passing seconds, only to evaporate as soon as my eyes blinked.
All because of a dog! A dog!
Many of you will understand what this is all about. You’ve been there, done that. Still, some of you will think I’m crazy to get lost in the dark, like this, because of a dog! “A dog, for heaven’s sake! Get real! There are people out there suffering and you go down because of a dog?!”
Yes. I do. I went down. All because of a dog! To some, I need not say more. To others, whatever I say will not convince. And that’s ok.
Because dog or not dog is not the question. Being swept away by emotions is. Grief , sadness, guilt, bottomless sorrow is the question.
“Where thoughts go, energy flows."
Today, January 8, is the “Coming of Age” day here in Japan. A national holiday where all the 20 year olds are celebrated in ceremonies in every city. It is a day of closure and new beginnings. I decided to make my own closure and my own new beginning on this day, too.
But how?! I had no idea how to shift my perspective. Nothing seemed to help. “When in doubt, draw a card! Walk your talk, now,” I heard a thought saying. So I drew a card, from the Animal Totem Tarot. Thank you Leeza Robertson!
The King of Cups! A beaver! The Beaver!, was the card I drew.
The message I got from the beaver, today, was to use this tremendous energy to heal myself. “Get working!”, the Beaver said.
A flood can be dangerous but can also be very cleansing. The river of my emotions has flooded my landscape and is flowing in places it hasn’t flowed before. I need to wake up and start cutting and building. All that water. All that emotion. I need to channel it, lead the energy-flow into places that will change me and the world around me for the better.
Another message from the Beaver as the King of Cups is that my skills are not for me alone. When the beaver builds a dam and changes the flow of the river he changes the landscape for everyone in it. Not just for himself.
Strong emotions flowing freely, flooding the whole world has washed away the fear and worries of the last many months. When we learned that Goro had cancer and that he would soon have to die, the panic and worry started. It has been a draining period for the whole family. Once the end came, we experienced an unexpected shock. We thought we were prepared. I thought I knew what was coming. But I was wrong. I was not prepared for the guilt-mixed despair that was to engulf me. I could do nothing but let the emotions surge through me. I let them wash through me without hiding or resisting. Almost but not quite to the point of drowning. Life-force is strong.
Now the time has come to channel this freed energy into healing, love and growth.
Some things are gone. Washed away by the flood. Some things will have to be cut down in favor of the new flow of the river. But the riverbanks are enriched with new soil where new and wonderful things can, and will, grow and flourish.
Such was the message from The Beaver, the King of Cups, today.
It takes time to change the course of a river. Many seasons may pass before the landscape settles into its new shape. But with mindfulness and resilience and encouragement from the beaver, I can do it.
As Maya Angelou said, " I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
Now I am able to wish us all a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
That said, I want to apologize for not answering phone calls and emails. I thank those of you who have booked readings with me for your understanding and patience.
As of tomorrow, January 9th, I am back in my readers' tent again.
And! I want to thank you for all the messages of heartfelt love during these days. I am reviewing them all, now that my heart has space for them. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!